What Conscious, Awake Men Can Do to Heal Sexual Assault Culture

Conscious awake men,

I hear you asking truly, what it is you can do to change this culture of sexual assault. I see, love, and respect you for wanting to help. Most lists with a title like this will give you practical action steps like not walking too close to a woman when it’s dark, or letting women speak the same amount of time as men in meetings. Do the things on those lists! Those things create change. However…

If you want to create transformation,

If you want to be a part of the healing between masculine and feminine at the deepest, global, cellular level as we awaken to a new paradigm of healing in the world, then read on. If you are willing to take this journey, you can become your woman’s best lover ever, deeply rooted and confident in your powerful mission on earth, and an advocate for the feminine who is unequivocally masculine. I will not ask you to turn into a new age nice guy, maybe you have already done that actually, castrated your raw power so as not to harm others. That’s okay if you have, but what I am asking you to do is much deeper, much older, and will unlock your raw power in ways that heal rather than harm. If that is what you are looking for, then read on.

There is a journey you must travel.

You will not travel it alone, although the ultimate battle will be yours alone, within the deepest recesses of your psyche. Here are many of the steps you will take on this journey. I want you to know them up front, so that when you reach the scariest places, you understand where you are in the journey and you have the map to continue. We need your fierce warrior spirits to travel this path. We believe in you.

Because of your choosing this path, you will listen.

You will genuinely hear the grieving and angry and frightened cries of women, minorities, oppressed groups, victims of sexual assault. You will believe those cries and stop making excuses.

Because of your courage, you will admit.

You are willing to admit the moments that your actions have contributed to this kind of pain in another person. Whether through cat-calls, or ignoring her ideas at work, or rating her body with your friends as a joke, or moving more quickly than she wanted during intimacy, or moving in ways she maybe did not want at all… you are willing to face the actions you have taken that caused pain in others, and you begin to feel that pain.

Because of your presence, you will face truth.

You will not slip into stories of shame and self-loathing around the actions you admit. Because you know shame is actually a distraction mechanism that steers you off your journey and keeps you from getting to the root. No. Instead, you will stay wide-eyed and open to the pain, curious to understand your own actions that caused it, in both yourself and others.

Because of your commitment, you will look deeper.

You will be vulnerable with yourself, to see that so many of those moments actually stem from a deeper fear - a fear of inadequacy, a fear of being found out. A realizing that If you cat call her in front of your friends, perhaps you don’t have to be on the low end of the pecking order, the one who will get harassed, because there is someone lower than you who can take the beating. If you get your orgasm and then fall asleep quickly, perhaps you won’t have to admit to her that you do not understand her body, that you do not know how to give her pleasure, because you were never taught by anyone other than porn. You start to see how all harmful actions you took toward another person actually stem from attempting to hide some secret thing from yourself.

Because of your persistence, you will finally see the root.

The shadowy substance of the cultural underbelly that has done its best to remain out of focus for most of your life. You will begin to remember the moments in childhood when you were still fully human, with masculine and feminine traits, until the feminine was beaten out of you, literally. You will remember when you stopped crying when you felt pain, because the pain of being mocked for crying was worse. You will remember when you had to stop feeling at all. Then, you had to stop slowing down in order to avoid feeling, because if the world knew you were both feminine and masculine, wholly human, you’d be shoved in the dirt and destroyed. At least that’s the story you were told. You will start to remember that your own feminine energy was violated and hacked and raped until it was forced so deeply into hiding that you were forced to believe the story that being a man was about controlling and suppressing those feminine parts of life that were deemed to weak to be loved.

Because of your awareness, you’ll know this has been done to you.

You will recall that the first feminine energy you ever felt violated was your own. Because somewhere along the way, the false and wounded masculine of our culture decided it needed to crucify all things feminine in order to continue its reign. It would beat the feminine out of each man when they were still a boy, and teach them that the only way to become a real man was to kill off this part of themselves. It would continue to perpetuate this beating down of the feminine through acts of violence, toward women, toward the natural world, and toward any minority group that could possibly be seen as less than by this wounded gaze.

If only because those people and places still held the softness of life inside, and to this wounded masculine, that softness seemed like weakness. You’ll start to see, that deep down, their softness reminds you of your own softness, and therefore your own “weakness”, according to the old story. And someone told you when you were a child that if you are weak, you cannot be loved. Which means, if you hold feminine energy, you cannot be loved. Whether that feminine energy be represented by a vulnerable people group or the parts inside yourself that actually just want to enjoy nature, to feel emotions, to be vulnerable with each other. And you’ll begin to connect the dots of why the wounded masculine tried to destroy any trace of its connection to the feminine, for fear of being destroyed, because it was afraid. Until, at the root, you know you have been destroying yourself all along by shunning the feminine inside you. You will need to fully grieve this loss, and you will want something different.

Because of your love, you will choose the warrior’s path.

It is at the depth of your strength, courage, commitment, presence, and persistence, that you will remember the tiny little boy you once were. The small one who still holds memories and neural pathways in your brain, believing that he could not be loved for who he wholly was. You will feel him crying, hiding, wishing for love. You will feel his shame at not being good enough, at not being lovable, and this time, you will care for him the ways your father did not. You will replace the voice of a patriarchy designed to silence his cries with your own voice of love. With the voices of love of your brothers and sisters, who speak to this inner child and remind him of his worth. Who tell him that he is forgiven for every single action, he is loved, he is not lacking, he does not need to hold himself back anymore for fear of not being a man worthy enough of love.

Because of your bravery, you will feel everything.

You will allow this little one to cry and cry and cry as you hold him in your mind. You will allow him to scream and yell his grief into the sky and you will treat him as unconditionally loving parents would. You know that feeling this pain is the healing process taking place, being let out. And you will literally move it by continuing to breath deeply in its presence. You know that this pain isn’t new, but you are just finally able to feel it, to move it, to let it go. Then you will sit in silence with the little one. You will rest and receive peace. A deep peace that somehow, is able to penetrate you deeper now, because you have fewer walls, fewer fears. The shame you had been hiding from even yourself has been seen and loved back into life. 

Because of your journey, you will reclaim wholeness.

You will remember once again what it’s like to feel the feminine flow inside you. You will remember what it’s like to surrender and let energy enter you, and to trust that it is good and loving. You will be filled with a sense of awe, inspiration, freedom, power, and love that you haven’t known in decades. You will begin to emerge from the depths of your inner world back into the outer world, and see how the outer world has transformed as a reflection of inner transformation. 

Because of your curiosity, you will integrate your lessons.

You will notice that you allow yourself more time to move slowly, and how you take action with more clarity because it is rooted. You will see how you have become more present with each moment. Your mind and body will be awake to the sensations happening all around you, from the smell of the wind to the sensations in your body to the emotions of your loved ones. You have felt what you have been running from internally, so you no longer need to run from those things outside of yourself that would remind you anymore. In healing your own feminine wound, you actually find you are far more capable of showing up with deep masculine strength, focus, and power than ever before. A woman’s pain will no longer scare you, because you are no longer scared of facing your own pain. A woman’s anger will no longer scare you, because you have felt and released your anger in healthy and non-violent ways. And the threats of other men still living from a wounded masculine story will not scare you, because you have seen the truth of what protecting, serving, gifting, beautiful masculine can become again.

Because of your sensitivity, you will love your woman well.

You will be able to see and hear what you could not before in the body of the woman you love. You will have access to creating and sharing entirely new worlds of pleasure for yourself and your lover. Because while you used to think it was a certain technique you were missing that would make her come, now you know, that what you need is who you are: presence and listening. Something you could only give her after you have taken this Hero’s Journey.

You will be able to feel her energy clearly now. You will feel her natural opening and closing in rhythms and waves, like flowers blooming and receding. You know and love your inner feminine so you know how to love her feminine. You do not need to distract yourself from her closing rhythm anymore because it no longer makes you feel inadequate. So instead you are able to stay patient and loving as she pulses, enjoying the pace of the ride with her. And you do not walk on eggshells, you are not afraid. You will tell her your true desires from a place of deep authenticty, and feel her response on a cellular level. There is no gray area because you are willing to listen deeply now, for in reality, bodies never lie. You will hear her fears and desires through the way she moves at levels you never knew before, and so you will penetrate your lover in ways that remind you both of true Devine masculinity. And together, you will make love and create love in profoundly fulfilling ways. 

Because of your connection, you will know your center.

Because of your sensing, feeling, listening, and tuning to the feminine rhythms of life, you will have accurate awareness of your own power. You will no longer need to prove it to yourself or others. You will know where to put it and when and how much. You will become like a master swordsman or surgeon, able to slice exactly the right place, with the right amount of force, for the greatest healing. You will trust your raw, animal power and instinct, because it now keeps the good of the whole in mind. You can ravish your woman, you can howl from mountaintops, and you can stand up to dissociated authority with the force of a tidal wave and the precision of a bee sting. You will be the hero we need now more than ever.

You return to nature. You will spend time with the “big Her”. You feel the pain of her trauma just as you have felt the trauma in yourself and in women and in oppressed groups. But now you know the way through it in your bones. So you let yourself feel, and stay present, and find forgiveness and love at the center of your connection to Earth, and you come back to the world to take action. You believe in climate change. You support B-corps and sustainable energy and zero waste initiatives. You use less packaging. You support and fund women-owned businesses. You listen to women at home, at work, in meetings, online. You call out men who haven’t gotten the memo yet. You call your representatives and corporations. You vote with your ballots, and your dollars, and your voices. 

Because of your wisdom, you will stay diligent.

You know the shift is far from over. You know that little voice of inadequacy will return, and you must return to your feelings and deep presence to love it back to life each time. You will regularly check in with your own feminine energy to see what she needs, or what wisdom and power she wants to bring through your masculine force. You now know how to be with women in the same way. To hear the small child inside of her each time she rages or hides, secretly telling herself she is not worthy of love. And you will know that the next step in healing is to bring the same persistent, present, patience and love to her being. You will know that other men need you as well, to be role models of the strength of vulnerability. To be guides through the dark passage of this journey. To remind all who enter, that there is light coming soon, stay the course.

Because of your focus and direction, you will act.

You move this deep healing work back into the world. You choose to change the global paradigm of masculine and feminine from the inside out. You create mens groups where you can be accountable not just for your quarterly projections but for the regular opening of your heart. You invite trusted women to speak and share their experiences as well. You actively vote women, and men who support women, into office. 

You will treat each sexual encounter with a women as a sacred space through which to remember the Devine feminine that courses through her, you, and the earth. You will listen, and ask. With practice, you totally trust your intuition and your masculine energy to fully show up in power and strength, to be the penetrating force of love that reaches her deepest places and reminds her of God as well. You are the lovers who fuck powerfully for the sake of love.

Because of your power, you will stand firm.

You will not stay silent when you see someone else participating in the unhealed story. But you do respond differently now. Every time you hear a cat call, you apologize to the woman and then tell the man “Hey man that’s not respectful. You don’t have to treat women that way to belong. We’re glad you’re with us.” Knowing that whatever response you get on the surface, you are speaking truth and love to the unheard inner children of the men in your life. 

When you see a man who is running away from his woman, or his family, or his responsibility, or his pain, you do not let him continue this forever. Instead you will remind him how much he is loved, supported, and held. And you encourage him to face and feel that which he is running from. You hug and hold each other tenderly and cry and talk together and create action plans. If he denies, you will say “You can totally hold onto whatever it is you’re going through and do it on your own if you want. But I just want you to know I’ll be here to listen and I won’t judge you, especially your emotions. Things are different now, and we’re in this together.” And you will muster up as much love as you can within yourself, remembering the days that this man was you.

Because of your legacy, you will teach your sons.

You will encourage the youth to feel, and be strong. To know that feeling is not weakness, but truth speaking, and it creates the courage to act in the face of fear. That sadness does not disable efficacy, but rather centers it. That listening deeply for consent, for a true yes or no, is not always pleasant. That sometimes it requires us to go deeper into our own awareness to grow, but it always serves love.

Because you are here now, this is the path you are being asked to take. And you are ready to begin.

To all of you who hear the call, the path is not one to walk alone, but rather, it is relational. We will heal this divide only by coming together. As the masculine and feminine within ourselves. As men and women. As humans to Earth. 

If you are looking for a guide, I am so willing to walk this journey with you. I walk the deepest journey of healing the masculine and feminine. That is my life at the core of everything else I do. I will not tell you how, I will not shame you, I will not expect you to do it a certain way. But I will stay present with you when your defenses kick in. I will let your inner knowing lead you through your healing, while opening doors for the possibility of what step comes next. I will sit with you in your confusing or even controversial feelings about yourself, masculinity, relationships with women, and the way you show up in the world through career and purpose. I will let you complain about when the world was also unfair to you. I will call you on your bullshit. With love, always in service of love. We will spend time on the land, in the natural world, the “big Her”, because she holds a deep fountain of feminine wisdom and she is always willing to feel and forgive. You are not alone in this. Let’s create real ripples of transformation, for all of us, together. Please message me at coaching@rachelthor.com for more information about coaching sessions.

Rachel Thor1 Comment